Only Hope

Time just passes you by when you're feeling a little upset and dismayed at what life brings to the front door. Instead of a lollipop I got spicy tomyam......not bad....still a favourite.....but just spicy and flustering not sweet and down-to-earth. There's something I found rather odd today.....people....you just gotta have your differences to make good friends.....you learn new things from different people....broaden your mind towards different viewpoints of matters with similarities.
Weird, you can't find someone identical to you......everyone is different....just like now....I'd probably bore my friends into sleepdom if I start talking about Philosophy and Politics and Poetry....my fave three P's and of course anyone can talk to anyone about the other P.....People. That seems to me to be a universal fave amongst anyone.....either talking about other people or themselves and their mundane lives.....because people only talk about themselves when their feeling down and disheartened.....nobody compliments themselves or say out loud that they are proud about their latest accomplishments(just another one of the unspoken laws of society).
Odd, rather odd.....I personally now belief that whatever happens it's for a reason....if God knows what he's doing and i believe he knows what he's doing than why complain? why prevent yourself from experiencing pleasure or pain? The rules of society must be obeyed....of course I agree.....but why do people create these barriers and boundaries? Life is too short I say.....be open and positive about everything....some people may hurt you....but that's because you think too much about their actions and contemplate alone in your room the 300 possibilities why that action took place and question their intentions.....but hey so what if they don't love you? so what if they hate you? that's their problem....go and question why....to them and not yourself.....confrontation and explanations is the key.......but hey....if I had enough patience....i'd just continue living my life as per normal forgive and forget.....many people are going to come into this life......they will try to inflict pain, happiness and the utmost horror.......but only to the extent that you allow it to.
Only you control your life, only you can follow your heart, only God can help you, only hope......

Subang

do they look within
the boy hiding in between
confused alone wondering
where did he go wrong...
do they smile and care
the child with ugly hair
all day he just stares
no one hears his song...
do they stroke and taste
the starved lips and face
he just fell from grace
walking all alone...
do they cheat and lie
his mind's sacrifice
the heart starts to cry
spirits rise and moan...
they don't care, don't love, don't wait, don't hug....like me
why do they get his love....
and not me?

One thing

Oh, i've been trying to let it go
Trying to keep my eyes closed
Trying to keep it just like before....
The times we never even thought to speak
Don't wanna tell you what it is
Oh 'we' it felt so serious.....got me thinking just too much
I wanna set it off, but.....
It's this one thing that's got me trippin
It's this one thing that's got me trippin
You did this one thing my soul may be feeling
It's this one thing you did oh oh
It's this one thing that caught me slippin
It's this one thing I want to admit it
This one thing and I was so with it
It's this one thing you did oh oh
Hey, we still don't know each other well
So what? I keep thinking to myself
Memories just keep ringing bells....
Hear voices I don't want to understand
My car keys are jingling in my hand
My high heels are clicking towards your door....but this one thing stopped me from knocking.

Double

well life's like that...you get some....you lose some....and some just never cross your path......that's what people do to you.....make you feel inane, worthless and stupid....yet at the same time those very same people can make you feel secure, confident and loved in an amazing way........that's something that people do......life's mysteries yet unsolved......why do they respond that way? why can people love and harm?
I saw a painting.....in it was a dark beauty, full of youth.....barefeet walking......the desert behind her...her lips dry, her hair dry, her eyes beautiful black coals shining with an extinguishing light.......yet she keeps on walking......there were thunderclouds behind her.......those clouds are something evil for her.....she may get struck by thunder.....but at the same time those same clouds may quench her thirst.........equivocalism....life's like that.....a two sided coin.

Happy

I can speak about the pain you know
What you say you didn't see
I can show you all my scars you know
The ones I keep inside of me
Would that make it easier
Or would it be the same
Sorry that I could not be
As perfect as you wanted me
Just wondering what's going on in your mind
I sure hope you're fine
I hope your conscience is clear
Hope you're happy....Hope you're smiling....

Confidence

bruise and battered by your words.....things have shattered now it hurts.......there seem to be many paths that I will have to tread to find out your intentions....the truth will always be hidden....your skeletons will be kept quietly.....I should be happy to know you dedicated 'four times a lady' by Craig David to me.....but why are my thoughts directing me to think that the song was not meant for me but for her. She is afterall your dream....

The failure of my heart....just decided not to pump any more blood anymore.....just love and life no more blood and anger......i give up.....the walls are closing me in and there doesn't seem to be any doors or windows to crawl out from.....just remain in this narrow,dank box......forever my bones will remain alone....until my confidence rises.

thanks someone.....for this.....
people can find the worst in themselves and the best in themselves......people can figure out the sadness and the happiness in their lives, to rise above themselves and feel hope that's the strength in people....if you stop hoping noura, you stop living.....so don't stop.

So thank you......for every last bruise you gave me, for everytime i sat in tears, for the million ways you hurt me.....i just wanna say thank you....jannar.... thanks for showing me that there is a life out there waiting for me.....until my confidence rises.

Lose

life is quite interesting when you think about it.....you know that they are hiding things from you......alot of shit underneath the surface.....I was born to try.....that, I know it's not hidden

and well....the ways that people display affection is quite interesting.....they find the stupidest reasons to call or message......they want to hang on longer to find out more.....to love someone is to want to be with that particular person at all times....talk about the person at all times and to dream about that person at all times.......to make up lame excuses and to be continually persistent until that particular person finds out that they are interested.

I used to think it was over
But its only just begun......
I used to feel like a loser
Now i'm having so much fun
I used to cry regularly
Preferred rain to the sun.....
I used to want your approval
Now I know i'm number one!

Seek the path of love and seek the path of patience....if he really did like her then,well, i went out with an asshole.....and if he didn't then,well......i went out with a loser......either way i loose.....

Love complicates

Love its always on way or the other....on side more emotions being spilled then the other....that is the unequality of the situation the unequivocal of sounds mixing into different colours. The imbalance of calculations of relationships.....either the girl or the guy would love each other more...its plain facts of history. A known fact!! After just recently recovering from a relationship where i was not the one being pampered but more of the pamperer and as a girl that totally destroyed me....literally destroyed my ego and every bit of respect i had for myself.....life is unfair and love is an unfair game to play. I put myself on his feet and let him take absolute control over me.....kindda questioning myself why i allowed him to do it?? Why did he have so much control over me?? How did i reduce myself to barely shreds as i gave myself away to him and let soul be opened to the world to view?? The pain that after all i did i wouldn't be the best girl in his books....emotionally it would be Cheri and physically it would be penelope cruz...What a boost to the ego.....he would never research on me how deep he researched about ahem and probably also how deep he researched anything that had to do with her.....hmmm....its like a driving force that encourages me to be someone stronger to me.........and don't ever let down your guards and barriers too early in any relationship....oh see that skin,its the same she's been standing in...since the day she saw him walk away...now she left cleaning up the mess he made....it always ends this way....women are too sentimental....all i wanted was a white knight.....but well love is a complicated thing

~baby hello!oh no!goodbye~

Makeup

well...today was a remarkably good day....so far....i personally do not believe that vanity is food for the worn out soul but well....today changed my perceptive 180 degrees. Not the full circle. What was about today that made it special? not much really....saw the same people.....ate at the same table...saw the same teachers.....but why was it a good day? so far....that is.
Well for the first time i decided from some heavy persuading that i would put on makeup in college and go around strutting myself.....hhehehee!! so that's exactly what i did!! and after putting on eyeliner and lip mosturizer i was ready to show my face to the world, wondering the responses.
I was hoping to meet this particular b-ball player from WMU who never not once glanced my way(mei mei said otherwise)......i was wondering if i had indeed changed.....if i was pretty.....if i was georgeous.....if i was beautiful.....nothing stopped me in my path for experimenting.....so i went.
Everyone i met except for closest pals...hmm.....well everyone i met complimented me on my looks......it was like i had changed into someone new or something....just with the help of a little makeup. Thank Gawd that they did....if not i would have thought i could never be pretty....but is that all it takes....just a dab of eyeliner and a little lipgloss?? A little effort to look good?? Is that all it takes for the compliments to come?? Then what is the meaning of beauty? Making an effort? What is the definition of beauty?
So there i was getting alot of looks from people who yesterday just gave me a passing glance, today.....well let's say it was more than a glance. My friend from class even tried to flirt with me!! AAAHHH!! It's not like i'm ugly....but this simple experiment showed me that its not how i looked that was attracting attention it was how i felt while i was looking like that. After gaining all the compliments the confidence soared!! I swear it was like high above the clouds.......hehhehe!! So what i decided to do was wipe of all the makeup and go back to my old self....not like i'm ugly or something.....just that i looked pale and tired.....Shob's words.....well I'm in pre-university course whattaya expect me to look??
And the cute b-ball player from WMU....i met him today......he smiled at me.....checked me out.....maybe she's born with it.....maybe its a little makeup to boost a little confidence!!Or just a little makeup!!
I was like that.....that girl you'd see and say wow...i finally understand why i feel so disillusioned after Jannar left me......it was because he never got to see the best of me...only the worst.

Mrs Hor i will do it....and i will make it!.....another compliment today!!! I would prove that you were right!!
Thanks to the Lord for allowing me to experience today.....feel like seeing.....nevermind.....