Say Never

Never say never, or so they say, sometimes it will come and bite you in the pantat and then where will you turn to? The sky up there stated clearly that there is a plan for your life and everything that happens, occurs for a reason, which may not be explainable and translucent now but it will become clear one day. Sometimes I fear that lying and kelingtonging myself out of dodgy situations may act upon the laws of karma, will whack me with the final hit and then absolute blackout.

Acting upon a whim I decided to go and stalk Stephen Rahman-Hughes and now if (and this is hypothetically for now) if I were to become famous, this same star will always remember me as the crazed fan on the staircase. I truly doubt he'll ever see me as a young woman worthy to be loved, all he'll remember is this psycho chick waiting on the staircase, to do what exactly? Anyhow call it a moment of true love, or just a moment of true passion, or just a moment of insanity, whatever the label it was acting upon a whim. So, what happens when you think with your heart more than your mind? Well, you look dorky and a complete doofus. (what is wrong with my vocabulary? Can't think right now....)

I said that I would never do 'it' unless I have a ring on my finger and the man who is allowed to worship this body of mine would be my husband bonded to me with ties of marriage, fidelity and security. Sp far Alhamdullillah, I have made it through all the tests He has given to me in reference to this topic and remained pure for my Mr Right. I believe that one can say never , and that it only depends upon the question of how deep are you in your own morals and attitudes, are the walls tough or can they bend and break?

So the point of all this is to state a fact that everyone should learn from my mistake.....don't get influenced from your heart, follow your mind, and leave true love to the pages of fairytales. Then and only then, can you finally, say never.

Yellow Bus

I miss it, those days where life is simple, alphabets could not form words, love was inconsistent outside the context of family and running through wades of silk in the mall was not greeted with menacing glances and embarrassing statements from friends. Compassion and demure were greeted with praises, now if you display too much, you are crude, if you have a stony apparel you are rude. What would I give to sit on the yellow bus, ronda ronda with the bus conductor and Shab. Money was a five letter word where problems are not connected to it, instead money meant sweets. Why can't I find someone alike to me? And the only one who comes close is taken away by a slut. I kid you not. I am waiting for a prince, but for now I can't wait and see, the noise of the world is getting me caught up. I have to move.


Love Moi, Noura Talib....an

Noura Loves Stephen Rahman Hughes

OMGAWD! I just met Stephen Rahman Hughes and he was soooo nice! I mean yeah they are all supposed to be nice to fans but he was genuinely nice! =) Ok...Story....

First I heard from a cousin that Stephen Rahman-Hughes( Short form SRH aight?) was teaching some classes around Ampang Point. So since it was one of the things on the list of things that I have to do before leaving Malaysia I decided to act teenage booperish and become a stalkerazzi. *evil grinz* So I set of around 1.45pm from Kiren's place to go meet my cuz at Ampang Point. Upon reaching we waited in the car parked opposite the entrance of that particular studio and camera's at the ready to run down and ambush SRH. But then 3pm came and still no sign of him...mind you we waited for an hour....then Dah had to ciao and go meet her boyfriend, so she dropped me off at my car and left. Then there I was in my car wondering what to do....should I go up and ask if he came really early by myself or should I leave? In this dilemma I sat pondering in my car, then a lightbulb flashed and I messaged Neha to call me back. And she did with the answer to all my questions. Yes! She said go up there and ask...I mean what did I have to lose? Truer words never spoken.

So with Neha on the line I walked up three flights of stairs to the studio and in there I met Tiara Jaquelina teaching a whole bunch of little girls how to dance the malay traditional dance. Walking in pretending I belonged I looked around for SRH or the manager and tada! Ched comes by (the guy who owns the blog which my cuz found the info from) So I go up to him and tell him the 'story'. (I came all the way from Singapore and I am totally in love with SRH and his voice and I'm gonna miss his Feb play and that's why I wanted to meet him) well actually the story is pretty true except that I didn't come all the way down from Singapore...although that part can be misconstrued as true as well because I am Singaporean. Ok Ok enough gallivanting around unnessary information, then Ched said, ok well SRH will be here around 3.45pm to 4pm and you can wait for him downstairs, if you want.....So I said thanks loads dude! And ran the hell outta there and down to the toilet to check my appearance. ( Neha still on phone) This was 3pm then Neha told me she would call back at 3.30pm. Ok cool. So I got to getting ready, makeup, check. Hair, a total mess. Crap. Did the whole thing again, emptied my bladder and then strutted calmly outside. Then Neha called again. Started hanging out on the stairs and we just gossiped away lots of juicy stories, while this was happening Tiara Jaquelina came down and I said hello and she said hello, and I said you're looking pretty, and she said Thank you. So basically she nice.

Anyhow still no sign of Stephen, then a couple of PGL cast members started walking up and down totally eyeballing me, with the 'who are you?' look combined with the 'you are hot' look....well anyhow I decided to ask one chick the obvious question, we had quite and interlude and this was how it went.

Me- " Say are you in Puteri Gunung Ledang?"
She- "Yeah"
Me- "Is Stephen Rahman Hughes gonna be here later?"
She- "Yeah he is....why do you need him?"
Me- *The story*
She- "Oh well he's definetely coming!"

Then she walks up the stairs and at the top she turns around and asks me for my name. I say Noura and then I say

"Please don't mock me later as the girl on the stairs or something!"
She- "No I totally get where you're coming from"
Me- "Thanks!"

Well....she was rehelly nice and I think she was interested to find out what I was doing there...probably thought I was a reporter or something. Anyhoo....still no sign of Stephen.

Then.................while in the midst of convo with Neha..................................

I see him climbing two steps at a time, and his first words were, "What can I do for you love?"
(I heart the language of the Brits) And I went " OMG! OMG! OMG!"
Then he looked up and went " Oh...ah...." Like he understood I was a fan. And then he was beside me. Looking into my face and he said, " Well, I'm kindda in a rush, I've got a class to teach but....What's your name?" and he stretched out his hand to shake. And I took his hand and I stammered "Noura", then I said "OMG I'm like your biggest fan....can I get a picture please?" and he said "Alright Phil take a picture for us please." And then....ok you know what I'm gonna do the whole script mode thing again.

Me- "Here you go, oh wait can I be on that side its my better angle"
SRH- " Oh Noura, that's your better angle huh Noura?" in this mocking tone while smiling alot!
Me- *Giggling like a schoolgirl* Takes picture then.... "Can I get a hug?"
SRH- "Yes of course Noura"

Moment I will never forget for my entire life. He actually crushed me with his amazingly toned body and beautifully tanned hands! =)

Me- "OMG I mean I just came down from singapore......(you know what happens)"
SRH- *smiling alot and nodding and he looked kindda shock when I said all the way down from SPore...lols....
Me- "Can I get another hug?"
SRH-" Yes of course"

This one was amazing.....I heart Stephen!

Then while breaking apart his friend kept on snapping pictures. =) So I said, oh can I get one hugging Stephen and he said ok.

Another moment of absolute bliss.

And while breaking apart...
Me- "Did you get it?"
Malay friend looks confused....
Me- " Its alright then....no worries"

Looking at this minah tudung who came to join the foray.
SRH- "Oh you want pictures too? Ok Cepat Cepat"

Taking pics with this Minah tudung he looked really normal. Then after their picture taking.

SRH- " So Noura will I be seeing you in February?"
Me-" No"
SRH- "Why?"
Me-" Cause I'm leaving to study in australia and then I'm going to Dubai and I cant leave my parents side cause I'm kindda young"
SRH- *grins*
Me-"Omg I absolutely love your voice, its entrancing and your voice is timeless, OMG I had this entire speech done but its just gone outta my head!"
SRH- "Its ok Noura."
Phil- " We gotta go now Stephen"
Malay Friend of theirs to me- " Do you wanna come up?"
Me- "No, its ok"

Stephen looks to me again....and says "It was nice meeting you Noura."
Me- *smiles*

Then he was walking up the stairs, his friends were ahead of him he was last...ahem ahem.

Me- " Stephen?"
He stops and turns around ( his friends are gone)
Me- " I will definetely go to your shows in the future so please don't stop doing what you do"
SRH- "Will do" *smiles widely

Then at the top of the stairs he turns and smiles again to me. I swear my legs fell loose.

Ok I'm not saying anything but....I think Stephen Rahman Hughes might think that I'm kindda attractive. I mean when you repeat the person's name that means you want to impress the person, why would he want to impress me? Unless....he thinks I'm kindda hot? Ok neways this is one of the best experiences of my life so far.....I had a decent convo with a West End celebrity and he seemed to enjoy it too! Well, this means that my future in Journalism is sealed, I CAN talk to celebrities as normal people. Which by the way I couldn't two years ago.....hence my stammering at Akon (Lonely) and Najib Ali (Major Moment cause I watch his show Asia Bagus since I was 8 until the time I left to Perth)

Anyhoo....this one went fine (I think). He'll probably think I'm some psycho fan (Which I'm not) I just wanted to meet the dude before I left, so I can cross him off my list of things to do before I leave Malaysia.

He was on that list cause the night I was making that particular list I was talking about how every time I play the name game, I use Stephen Rahman-Hughes's name and then an idea came to me, while I was working as a reporter meeting Malaysian celebs was easy, so why not SRH? Especially since he hasn't boomed in Malaysia yet, so I wrote it down, Meet Stephen Rahman Hughes. Right after Paint 'my life in malaysia'.

So there, I was stumped, but well, who cares right I mean it was just a list, then my cuz Dah came over to my house and viewed the list on my computer documents and told me about the website in which she saw that SRH was conducting a Bootcamp. So all excited I went online and realised the dateline for entry had passed. =( Me so sad....but more concerntrating upon my Birthday Party in which I was gonna turn 21! But then after my partay was over I got to thinking about the list again and the plan erupted. Seriously, it was more of luck and coincidence than anything, it was meant to happen. So I met Stephen Rahman Hughes and he's georgeous with a totally 'kelftaer' accent. Oh and I want Teatro's Cd......even though I'm no psycho fan, I like the guy's voice....ALOT!

And I will continue on my journey into becoming the CNN and muslim version of Christiane Amanpour!

And why can't he be 27 or something? Then maybe....someday......ok zip it Noura, you need no distractions. And he's close to 40 or so they say. So that's it then.

And I can talk to celebrities who I fancy!

Ain't that dandy?

Arab Girl

-The father wrote the scheme of your life a long time ago, go and live in ahidey hole if you like but you won't run from it. Fear profits man nothing.- Thirteenth Warrior


Parents, they never comprehend the depth in which their words impact those around them, namely, the children. Having arab parents from both sides ultimately defines me to be the absolute, arab child, or in this case in point, arab girl. Though that arab girl imagery is just that, an illusion, an event of which the west can portray those poor locked up women, thus hantaming all their evil machoistic male counterparts without a conscience to their name.

Anyhoo, here I am an arab girl, emotional detached from that portion of my life in which I am duly bounded by, the ties of race, struggling to seek for completion in all the wrong places, from the pasty white characters splash across magazines and televisions screens to the brown, black and yellow minions whom surround my everyday palace and sanctuary. To whom do I acknowledge this lack in feasible race definition to? Parents.

When you tell your child, "You look so dark you could be a tamilan" and "Did you know the roti man dropped you off when you were a baby?" (the roti man in almost all parts of singapore at that time was almost always indian and dark) Anyhoo, I did not mean I don't like being dark, I don't care about skin colour, but if you are arab and a girl, being dark means you can never be known as the pretty one, you'll almost always be called hitam manis. (translated to Sweet Dark) Just another reason why I detest proclaming myself to be an arab.

Well, the roti man story, oh ya, there comes a time when life comes a knocking when you're nine and you've just gone on you're first official chaperoned 'date' (My first ever was with my school friend who I used to play eye-eye with, the second one was with two brothers...yup you heard right two of them, though all of the above are now what some would call eligible...not interested) you start to ponder on the truth of where you actually came from, and at such a youthful tender age, being completely different than your fairer elder sisters, the storyline of cinderella comes to play and life itself becomes much easier to comprehend when your dad is the roti man. Then in comes the measurement of self-worth and value, where countless of people measure strength, attractiveness based upon their own personal deductions due to their 'gila' reactions telling them to base their world upon their memories.

Anyhoo again, growing up with Hindi movies and everyone referencing you to Prieti and Kajol, the curveball that life threw your path seems easier to catch and realisation hits. The lack of arabness in my life ( I don't even know how to speak it) can fully be blamed unto myself and a lil upon the shoulders of my parents. If you want something run until it can be caught and when its finally yours, well nothing is truly yours in this world cause life, and parents their both for rent until the next. So make the best of this rental space, and continually evolve yourself for the better never fearing the consequences but ultimately remember who you are.

p.s. Noura, You Are An ARAB Girl.

Tukar

I've pledged to be more than I currently am. it all starts now. it has to start somewhere. no more fooling with life. its all just too short.
i've opened up my eyes. i see things clearly now. i somehow feel so underachieved. i want more. im burning with desire to achieve so much. to make life worth living.
'my body is a temple' - im respecting this. there is only so much it can withstand before it falls apart.
-all saints have a past and all sinners have a future-
My future starts now. Lets leave the past behind.
Together. All of us. Lets prove them wrong.
Lets prove ourselves to the ones who constantly doubts us. Lets be greater then we thought we ever could.
Im humbling myselve for the better good. Its high time i changed.
Join me ?

It

Well signs of today turning out to my favour is slim, the forbidden fruits on the other side of the pastures are untouchable and that makes me want it even more. And yet im too scared to reach out for it. Too afraid to want something and go for it, maybe that's why God (s.w.t) didn't allow the road to be paved for a reason, maybe I don't really want it, don't really want everything to do with it. And yes, It is something for me to know and you to never find out.

So it, well, its weird sometimes I can't stop thinking about it and yet when the signs are all negative i despise it and when there are the moments of happiness, that slim ray of light it makes my whole world =)

And well, today i realised something ( a) I always use the word realise and (b) I really don't like It. and that's that, I'm confident enough to go across that border and get It, no matter the cost.

Shiari The Shemite Princess.

Boom, the sound of thunder crashes through the walls, heaven is not happy with the world, another monster stamps down upon earth. Rain has been pouring for days, heavy downpours and flash floods all around the city center. Looking to her left, Shiari realises her team was downtrodden, disheartened and almost all fatally wounded. She couldn't allow them to go through anymore battles for her kingdom, her home, she knew in her heart that sadly, every hope was diminished, the last trooper group out there was probably dead or dying in the floods. Believe, they once said, now in the darkness, in the despair of their current situation that singular word was merely a character of the alphabet.

"Boom! Boom! Boom!", that was no thunder, who had found this secret base deep within the palace?

"Boom! Boom!", There is someone knocking at the door. Oh No! Who was it?

"Hey are you guys gonna keep us waiting out here or what?", Sam shouted through the door. Relief poured through the just previously tensed room. "Oh thank gosh! Yes!", Shiari exclaimed with tears of happiness. The door creaked open and on the other side of the door lay the most happiest sight of her life. All the troopers grinning and healthy, seemingly untouched by health's evil twin, sickness and disease and worst of all, death. At the sight of their strong counterparts, the lame on the floor quickly whipped up into an alert and excited stupor. They newcomers all started aiding Shiari and her handmaiden Niloufer in cleaning the wounds and curing to their best efforts the sick and helpless. When they were done with cleaning the wounds of the mildly wounded, their strength grew from a troop of five with Shiari and her maiden, totalling seven strong, to twenty three ready and able fighters. The remaining ones, had suffered serious injuries, therefore all they could do was make their passing comfortable. The scent of death was heavily tinted in the air and Shiari was now more hopeful than ever.

The troopers had found an underground path in the palace, the path that she was describing to them before, and they think that the path is a safe escape for them to rush to the country side. Though all this Shiari was very adamant that the path was a deadly trap and expressed her thoughts. " C'mon Shiari, it's our only hope and we gotta go for it!", Sam exclaimed. "No, I have a bad feeling about it, no one will go through the paths until I say so and we can't leave them here to die, we have to stay with them until the end at least!", she stressed.

Bhangra Lovin'

Crazy night leads to crazy mornings, that is a fact if life, once the adrenaline gets pumping and the endorphins start swimming ecstatically within, the appearance will ultimately differ from the usual dry and dark lines. Therefore after tonights psychotic club hopping well, and good....I am exhausted to the point that I can't sleep and all me does is stay up and browse through pictures and memories of others while trying (and failing) to start on my 2000 word assignment due besok. Yupz, Noura will make it. Don't doubt her literary skills.

Anyhow, with the dead bhangra beats and the lightning walk to another mansion, the girls and I decided that life in its full capacity was a tad bit unfair, but hey put on the band aid, Its what was meant to be. I like a guy who a) Has a girlfriend
b) Did not get approval from friends
c) Looks a bit gay and metro. ( big minus)

Ok, three points enough to put me out for good, anyhoo, walked through the heavily guarded gates and started to enjoy the pumping music, filled with the stench of lansi individuals crowding around the whole entrance hall. Suddenly, the crowd clears and there at the other side of the room, he was. Feeling very Mariah Carey suddenly and eager to smile and please that particular long haired sexy siren, the girls and I walked to the corner.....and he came. =)

Well, after offering drinks and lots of convo, good convo may I add, I realised something and in the washroom ( of all places) I realised, that I was no longer attracted to this mysterious stranger,but those same emotions were felt for my spiky haired dancer, I really had feelings for this dude, whether its cause of prolong exposure or the mundane neutrality of friendship and physical eye connection, this dancer had captured the very essence of me and threw the whole question of morality out of the garbage disposal post.

Driving home with pehli nazar mein and the windows down, the wind going through my hair and love pumping in my heart, life changed for me, the breeze a little stronger, the streets a little brighter and the whole outlook of life, the big picture, well its a little clearer.....

Tommorrow's cleopatra and today's girl have connected and within them they have found the true meaning of love. Love in the time of race.

Love Junkie

Somedays, life pulls the whole body into this downward spiral and it takes all of your strength to pull yourself up to breathe, take the final curtain call and to compromise a friendship. Love, does that to oneself, you can't think, your minds a complete blank with no one checking up about the unhealthy pulse race and the constant hormonal charges occuring. To someone, you may seem to embody all the missing qualities lacking in their life, contributing to their utmost happy demeanour when that so called better half walks into your world.

The morals and etiquettes bequethed to you when you were a young child forgotten in the midst of this newly found freedom, the bird has flown the coop and there is nothing to hold the chains barred. But what happens when the Love is gone? The passions don't last? The things which excites becomes a thing of the past?

Turn again to the mundane path of life, seeking for that high again, and you replace it with drinks, drugs anything else to either keep the pain away or challenge the depth of the pain. Therefore the moral is, never fall in love. Simple. Love yourself and you'll always be high, like me!

Look A Like?

In My Dreams Maybe.....

Rasheed Where Are You?

Letter For Mombasa

Hey, well, Jules here.....I was just wondering if you're fine.....I mean the violence and those riots in Mombasa your hometown and Nairobi, well hope you're safe and your family. Take care dude. Ok well, I don't know if you'll ever receive this but if you do, well, I wanted you to read this. I wanted to ask Rasheed to read this but then, it'll just be wrong......Ok i'm rambling.....I always ramble and babble. Ok well here goes. I wrote this when I met you and here it is.....I wanted to know what you thought of it. I usually suck at this, I mean seriously, just read, please.

Sacarsm and hilarious overtures,
forgotten praises and venting ways.
Loving gazes and attraction stales
For who did love and never lost?
Love, truth and now I am the boss.
Lies, deceit and thus the times are past
Kiss me beneath a starlit sky,
With the waves crushing on the shores,
Pining away for a sign, a look, a question
Why doth the heart never seem to comprehend
When Lovers go they leave, they are spent.
Though lovers fade and time heals wounds
Memories can never seem to be forgotten
And though those memories are a figment of imagination
They can instill a hurt, a pain, this heart wrenching emotion
For once the eyes are washed, they are cleared of debris
The soul realises that there are those who lost, who loved
and the worst souls are those who keep silent, their anguish and regret
Pouring in from all sides,
trapped in a cardboard box in the middle of the indian ocean,
the water gushes in and divulges the heart,
live forever and yet live for the moment,
love forever and yet, never take love for granted
The secret of this one mistake, this one parcel
delivered in anger toward another,
for jealousy and anxiety forces one to do many unpredictable things
Oh and age, youth can force the fools inside to appear in countless forms.
Pray that your life has not been strangled midway
Hope that love blesses you throughout,
and most of all,
Wish that you'll never forget me....


and if you've already done then, I'm a babbling bunch of bullshit.
Ok......I don't know what to expect, that's why i'm not expecting, all i hope is that you're thinking twice about this. Cause I haven't really been able to forget you and well, please just tell me if you're interested or not. Cause if you're not, just say the word....and i'm done. Ok, its just that it's not finished yet and I want to end it, that's all......


Best,
Jules. T

Girlfriends

There seems to be a hundred different questions

All denote a painful realisation

Without proper guidance in each situation

Souls cannot combine in the midst of deception

So I need truth spin me a conversation

Cannot move ahead without comprehension

The lies gotta stop they need limitations

C'mon baby,talk, don't wait for an invitation.

Your epithets and poetry

The pictures in broken frames

All the pain and misery

Move away,

Don't haunt me again

For who did love and never lost?

I loved you,

But you lied.....

go on....she said

Wo ker yi pang ni ma?

I replied curtly.

Piong ching.
Polite, too polite.

But I need no persuasion, I love my rhyming couplets and yes Vin was right, I am toooo modest.* Anyhow, I am upset at two people who I once thought were VIP's in my life and now ever since they both have let me down, I have learnt to never expect anything from anyone. Never expect, if you want something to happen don't wait, DO IT! Or as Adnan says, "It's not hard to make things happen, but its hard to stop things from happening" actually I added the last part, prolly a quote I read somewhere over the rainbow, Oops, meant the internet. Anyways I wrote it a couple of days after my birthday in which they both promptly forgot, yup, FORGOT, well who cares right? Not me. Hehehhehe! I know what you're thinking you made a song for those two girls, yup not guys, girls, well its just that girlfriends are forever and boyfriends, well they never last. One ever and another never, I am just hurt, It'll pass....but for now I am allowed to vent and get frustrated, but well, I found something about myself recently, I can take care of myself. =)

Here's a song I love or have fallen in love with, (like you care!) but for everyone seeking for no one and love being single, well even if you are mending a broken hati, well.......

Marie Digby- Girlfriend.

Download. Asap!

I can't belong to anybody else right now

Though it is not much of an excuse

I can't belongto anybody else

When I've got so much figuring out to do

I don't want to be a girlfriend

I don't want to talk about my feelings yeah

I don't wanna be some girlfriend
I don't wanna have to explain what I'm thinking.........

*Me Hearts*

NUS Road

Realising new things and actually forcing yourself to see the light at the end of a tunnel, well, they change a person, turning one into something quite unexplainable, so much so, that even the best people would not figure out who they are anymore.



There was this one time (at band camp) where life turned upside down and I no longer felt that I knew myself anymore, to me I was a mess, a truly indescribable mess of a woman who could not feel the walls of the tunnel or see the light, blindly I stroll along.



Prince Breakfast is never going to marry me, but I know that I want to get a move on and get over him.....he's this narcissistic, self absorbed piece of soft matter who prefers dongs to boobs, so yeah....laugh now, I have liked a gay dude for 10 years.



And NO I am not talking about the gentle voice Orlando Bloom, I'm talking Prince Breakfast. So my New Year's aim (other than losing weight) is to meet him and see the reaction, because well, I need to realise something or else, what is the point of a rollercoaster ride if all you do is ride on a flat horizontal line without hills to climb and valleys to fall into?



Realisation finally hit me and by george I will meet Shaikh M if I have to crawl to NUS. Which I sincerely hope I never have to.

Aihs Le' Beef

I'm gonna look at this again
The comedian with the beautiful soul
A lark with ones emotional upbringing...
Sometimes I walk around with a clown's costume
Circles, squares, never in a straight line.
The end of the journey, happiness not despair.
For who had looked and then loved?
I have loved, looked, stared and gave my heart.
Eyes of jealousy and hair of the ship's bows.
For who could laugh it off, mocking a fellow
The sharp intakes of breath, the hurried pacemaker
Meaningful glances with an alcoholic smile
The child's laughter intermingling with quiet.
Loving, hating, wanting and finally needing...
through the stillness I lay waiting,
My comedic acts have reached its limits and boundaries.
Fresh perspectives and new love.
The comedian with the beautiful soul.
Come to my side, please make me whole.
I'm gonna look at this again, maybe three times more.

Byul Nitam

The wind is shaking the windows, and over my small room,
The stars fill up the sky, shining brightly too many to count,
The stars reassure the tired me.
They wipe away the many tears that are deep inside me
Don’t be hurt too much..they hug me tight and pamper me and comfort me,
Telling me to go to sleep

Though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk
Though my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
Like those countless number of stars, forever

My dream is coming.
Though it is unusual that my one star is bright
It is very bright, even blinding..it comes down to my shoulder
Stop being so sad..it holds my hand as it touches me and gives me a warm hug

Though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk
Though my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Only for today, I won’t cry though my eyes fill with tears
I want to laugh like those stars
I want to cherish all my happy moments deep inside my heart
Like those countless number of stars, forever

Losing Colours

I'm patching up all the holes in the wash basin, cause it can't stop
leaking .....drip....drip.....drip......the sound of the water is really annoying me.
Disfunctionality runs in my familial genes, is that the scizophrenic cousin who dances out of tune with the world?

The only thing I hear is the beating of the heart, the steadily pumping, never ending thumps. Thump, thump, thump.....inhale, Oxygen. My heart is awakening as the walls come tumbling down, crashing around me, all that's left is a rubble, dust, destruction.

Being swept away by the breeze, flying across the open ocean with the pigeons.....their wings flapping away....flap, flap, flap....whistling sounds ringing through my ears.....what would I pay for silence.....

Quiet contemplation, oh how I love to use those words......why do people who know that they are good looking turn to be narcissistic fools? Why does Nitam never understand that sometimes life is not all black and white? Grey Matter.....its always grey......life is always grey. Ramadhan is approaching and I need to quit the blood stains, why don't you want me to sambut the fasting month? If I get to fast tommorrow well, I would pray tarawih and tahajjud every night......and to top it all off, i'll loose weight and do exercises too! And I (Inshallah) would finish reading the Quraan by the end of this holy month.........give me strength to forget those who would never remember me anyway. I need to know if you forgive me.....

Silence, 2am and its all quiet......yippee! Oh no! I miss the noise. Amir.....Oh no! Cat! RARA!!!!

Need to call my sis......something happened but mom won't tell me what.....

List

1) Amal is having Adil Ryan.....today.

2) Yasmin's Birthday is......today.

3) Aunt I threw up four times......today.

4) Aunt Elly and Uncle Yahya leaves.....today.

5) Shabrina's plan is in motion......today.

6) Dave's Cd will be done......today.

7) Got to babysit the children cause I promised.....today.

8) Meet Rasheed for dinner.....today.

9) Krystal coming over for sleepover.....today.

10) Thinking about Prince Breakfast.......today.
and always.

Brothers

I hope the days come easy and the moments past slow......
My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to.
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small.....
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to.....
I hope you know somebody loves you.
And wants the same things too.....


Gosh to love someone with that much passion and care.......I know for a fact that Debbie probably felt this way about his younger brother. My gosh to put emotions into words, their love was so true, so pure, so loving, so everything a brother should be....I mean where in the world have you seen a young man of nineteen constantly mollycuddling his younger brother and passionately and truly crying goodbye......tears pouring down.

My gosh, I realised something else....that kind of love I do possess, but how many people are truly blessed to have that much love and care? How many in this world today? Whole families going to the airport to wish goodbye......a huge clan, with us three and the friends.

I swear that moment when I viewed Dave being so caring and loving......I almost wished that this dude was Arab, twenty something and looks like breakfast. But of course he turns out to be my little bro....but I realised something also.......not many arab men are like that, they are too afraid of showing and displaying their emotions. To tear shows weakness, and their egos are too huge to show any weaknesses.......ok generalising now.....but as far as I know.......

Somedays I wonder, how do we stumble into our seperate lives and scratch around trying to make sense of what we have?? Why did HE position us this way??

Love makes the world go round, and love makes the world go down......but for me, love is love. You make your world go round or down......decide your life and the final word is this, Brotherly love. Very important. Sisterly Love. Even more so. =)

To Anonymous,

Weeee.....finally an anonymous commentor......well....to anonymous.....that was written like two years ago in one of my diary excerpts......anyways....I am now no longer in the back seat of the car.....I am the driver of my own destiny and well I realised something else too!!

There is no difference between male and female companionships, its the same thing, I was cured of love through friendship......and I guess that's all that matters huh??

No fresh perspective, no difference of opinions, no change of characters, just people who can tolerate being with you and you can tolerate being with them. Realising that love is and always will be with you, not a man's love no doubt, just love, the deepest kind. I used to say, I am an Unlucky, Fat arsed arab teenager, but in fact I am one of the most luckiest type......and now typing this before a new semester begins, relishing the fact that while life may deal many blows and squander all my money away, Life is a gamble. And I have got the best people around me to help me regain all the losses that I've encountered. All the happiness that I've taken for granted and all the dreams I thought would not come true.....they will be there for me and I will be there for them.....insyALLAH. Thus quoting a famous person by the name of Shabrina Hyder....It's like that like.....(lolxz) Love her alot....