Hundred

A hundred letters I never sent to you
Which I've left lying on the ground
A hundred unanswered questions
Answers I never found

A thousand times I've called you
But then hung up the phone
A thousand times a day I miss you
And feel so alone

A hundred half slanted doors
Left half opened never closed
A hundred apologies I gave to you
The ones that you disposed

A thousand times I cry at night
Because I miss you the most
A hundred times I've regretted
Letting us become so close

A hundred times I've asked myself
What did our talks mean
A hundred times I thought just maybe
This is all a bad dream

A hundred times I've pondered
Is it meant to be us two
A hundred times I've wished
That I didn't still love you

A hundred times I've wondered
Did you love me like you said
A hundred times I've hoped that
Our love is not yet dead

So now I'll ask you did you love me
Like you once told me
Do you think it could live up to
What I wanted us to be

I don't have to hear your answer
Because your head is hanging low
Everything we once had was a lie
Because you just told me no.

HARry Raya

Its HARRY ROYA TOMMOLLOW!!! ...okay that was ages aso......when I still had the chance of a lifetime to not screw up my bloddy frrokying english paper....when my A was confirmed....when.....when.....when....I still had an attraction to the opposite sex......now its so hard to have a thing for men. HEhEHEHEhe! I feel so gay...no i'm just joking puh-lease! I need to breathe real air, get away from all the wobbly butts and the cute dimples....not nipples!!
(siti nurhaliza+blonde hair= dumb blonde)
Tarik's smile is infectious, want his smile babaye! Well that's just lame when you rehelly want to scream and jump on the monkey bars at Al-Hidayah...just jump from on bar to the next or run around the huge field at Bentley primary and scream your momma jokes at the top of your lungs. Need a break man!!!! You didn't sleep one whole night for studying purposes! WEEHOOO! never did that before....quite scary and impressed with it....my maths better be great!! Or else sooomebody's gunna get hurt!!Maths tomolo. Scared like shite.....just wanna jump into the pool half empty of shite and mud....rolling and mucking around acting like the princess of Mombasa.

Rental

Do I have a for sale sign stuck on my forehead? Or most probably a I'm single and free sign...plastered all around. It's like finally guys are asking for my number and stuff....like finally people actually want to know me.....not like that matters i turn them down anyways. Gosh i'm feeling weird today....exams are coming up and auntie nadima just says that i should get married. What a weirdo!! Well feeling not too bad now and echo's having a PAR-TAy soon....yippee!! Adamas hottiee!! How do you know when someone you hate likes you and someone you like hates you? Why is the world filled with superficial beings filled with their own selfish desires. What goes around comes around.....i don't know what would become of me.....I'm feeling terrified of the shadows on the walls, scared of the words that they whisper....how can a girl grow up to be a murderer? A girl would grow up to be what she wants to be.....lalalala....love saying that.....lalalalalala!! WEEEEEEE.......Coral reefs and Hawaiian beaches. Love the whirlpools and tornadoes.....hahahahahhaha!! Die people DIE!! hehhehehehe!! I'll save you idiots!! Kingdom Asia's best fighter......the Taliban Princess!!

~God gave everyone a plan~

Wings

To die or not to die
To pierce or not to pierce
To have or not to have
To lose or not to lose
To jump or not to jump
To love or not to love
To breathe or not to breathe
To hug or not to hug
To cry or not to cry
To smile or not to smile
To laugh or not to laugh
To dig or not to dig
To eat or not to eat
To fly or not to fly
When will I have my wings?
When will this choice be right?
When will I love again?
When will I takeoff the first flight?
When will I make a choice
When will I be right?
When will I have my wings?
When? When? When?


~wings of gold come all the time but true love.....it comes once in a lifetime~

~lalalalalalalala~

Haemophilia

The days pass by and the power of love has passed by through his dead cold hands...the possibility of love with any human being has long left him. Its quite sad really after hearing his plight of seeking true love and getting destroyed at every corner by another girl that this young and healthy straight male decided to take a step into the other side and become a gay. Remember you have no problems with gays but just that somehow or rather these thoughts come up and i wonder how would it feel to be a guy? I mean really, the way you have to hold a girl's waist and buy her flowers and pamper her with money and dinners.....how would a guy manage all this? And why? For love? I don't believe that love to that stage can be allowed to grow in this young stage of people's lives. Ok well ya, decided that i don't have anything against gays and lesbians as people but i do have something against their priorities and values. Maybe that's why i could never be close friends with people without faith in their lives....or is it the hand of God covering me from their stares and their embraces.
Well it's not like you should stop watching Queer Eye For a Staright Guy! Love Jai! hehe. It rhymes.....
Vignesh is going down down down!~ This is with me for life! that's just So sardonic.

Listen Row

Sometimes words escape from the deepest wells of my being and run around as little hooligans shrieking out loud for attention and other times they just run and play amongst themselves, collecting more little hooligans to add the water in the well...what does this mean? Well, Noura this means that you want be listened to and want to listen to others. So what does the wind bring whistling to my ears? The sadness and the pain of the palestinians? Or the happiness and success of the Jews? Or is this a rojak of both?

As i was watching the butts of Arabs go wobbly wobbly I screamed out HEY LADY! YOU FORGOT TO WEAR PANTIES WHEN YOU GREW UP! Then a voice just like reshmy's came whispering in a hungama thunder, you never wear panties too Noura! Hehehehe!
So waiting there in the lecture hall I was pondering the thoughts of the bluebirds and the magpies that surround me and I forgot to wear my underwear.....well gotta self-motivate my fat body to work out and jump to the clouds without underwear of course....haha. I like that laugh it makes things sound absolutely sacarstic and yet it brings this kind of sanity with it....haha. Hehehehehe! LOLZ! ok I'm rehelly goin mental here....Sunway people are not all their up to be.
Well who is these days?

~white people are afraid of the black man....white people are afraid of arab man....white people are afraid of the chines man....and white people are afraid of the russian and german man....tell me one type of person a white man isn't afraid of? Oh wait...GOD~

~wobbly wobbly Arab Butts doing sumo wrestling and beating drums, ante asreashmah~

Somedays

Somedays watching the clouds roll by....can be quite interesting....other days it gets plain boring! AHHH!! I am feeling so the lame....well...AHHH!!

I need to breathe...just breathe....pretentious people surround me and the best part of the story is that it doesn't show any feelings,no loss, no love, no emotions....just somedays.....sometimes I want to be alone and be with silence...silence and darkness....with the only light escaping from my heart.....the light of faith.

So, someday when the world has passed me by~I sit around and wonder why~You were always there for me~Why can some people just stick with you no matter what and others just seem to dissapear? Why?

So there I am somedays wanting to be alone and other days to be amongst people...isn't it tiring to be with people all day long? Somedays life takes a rollercoaster dive downwards spiralling into an exhilirating adrenaline pumping time for a short time and then sadness and self pity engulfs the body,burning hot flames into the soul. But then its time to carry on and go up steadily all over again, pick up and move on...pick up and continue the rollercoaster ride again. Sometimes the cart that rides the body would be filled with different people and then....the cart empties and the remaining people left are the ones you call true friends. Well true friends and soulmates....both staying in the cart, until the end where the rollercoaster ride literally ends and it ceases to continue, ending in a complete stop.

Lamenting upon the lost past....crying underneath a starry filled night...by a murky dark lake side....I wonder, Somedays.....

CAR-MINE

MY FUTURE HUSBAND TO BE.......

Little Thoughts

Well....life's gotta go on.....I don't think i'm up to doing speech therapy anymore. I mean so many other courses to choose from....why speech therapy?? Well ya, get to work with disturbed children and get to touch tongues all day....and there is a short course on psychology included in the course, I would leave not only as a speech pathologist but also as a reader of the human being. How can someone read a person? I mean...isn't that weird having a shrink look at you and analze you and your emotions? How can someone know who you are inside and out through text books and experiments? That's just plain freaky.... I don't think anybody knows me well enough....cause if they do they would probably start running away to an undisclosed location so I won't be able to scare them there.....hehehhee!! No really there is this complicated side of me even I haven't fully comprehended, this sadistic, psychotic and well undescribable side.....some may call it immaturity cause when that side starts talking they all go...."Noura grow up"....well I dunno what the scientists would name it but it's called something like 'instinct'.

Somedays when the time passes you by and you mix with forty five different people there is this gut wrenching feeling that makes the mind instantly judge the people you're with....
I have came to realize that people are an amazing species and they all have their different and uniqueness....some you feel utterly comfortable with, even at first meetings, some you just will never let down your guard.
Why do some people tell these little thoughts out loud? They scare people away.....maybe people just don't like to hear the truth, well face it, its reality.....I know that things which are not nice to hear aren't all that bad....it makes you realise your mistakes and nobody's perfect, they might have problem's with their parents, some with their marks, others just have problems making friends....these are just the few little thoughts that run through the mind....why? Why? WHY? Why are they like that? Why don't they have any friends....and we all just come up with our own version of the tale. Assuming and prying, everyone is curious.....well just that people who mention anything about it well they would be warned at....well i guess going against the norms would make that happen.....Well i have heard some weird things that this little brain has been telling mebut well, as long as all those little thoughts that pop out of my head stay in my head and don't escape through my mouth, I reckon I'll probably keep some great friends around me....

But now I'm still confused if I should do speech therapy or not....hmm.....little thoughts, dirty little elvish ghoulish things swimming in the murky warm pools of your creative mind....

Lovebird

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with two glossy, colourful, marvelous feathers. In short, he was a creature made to fly freely in the sky, bringing joy to whoever that saw him.

One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him. She watched his flight, her mouth wide in amazement, her heart pounding, her eyes shining with excitement. She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two traveled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired and venerated and celebrated that bird. But then she thought: "He might want to visit far off mountains! And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird. And she felt envy, envy at the bird's ability to fly. And she felt alone.

So she thought: "I'm going to set a trap, the next time the bird appears, he will never leave again". The bird that was also in love returned the following day fell into the trap and was put in a cage.

She looked at the bird every day, there he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends who said: " Now you have everything you could possibly want." However a strange transformation had taken place now that she had the bird and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest. The bird unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life began to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss, he grew ugly; and the woman no longer paid him any attention except by feeding him and cleaning put his cage.

One day the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking of him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she had seen him fly for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the clouds.

If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realized that what thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.
-Paulo Coelho-

Affair

You used to be a friend of mine
But I was so wrong
My heart told me reality was filled with lies
and yet it was truth all along.
You used to hold me
Watch me cry....
And I couldn't breathe
Because your love was there...through the night

Now I want the days to leave...
Your eyes burned with scarred tears
Of the pain I caused
But now I see that it was your fears
Of me discovering my loss.....

I lost to you my sacred friend
You stole the heart away
And yes I'll hate you to the very end
As now I sit and pray......

Pray that life would steal my pain
Pray that he'll come back again
Pray this nightmare can't be seen
Pray that I'm still living my dream

But the past has left
And the present is loneliness
For the knife cuts my chest
And my heart came out with it.....

So sad the toys that never brought smiles
So bad the boys that make you cry
but I thought you were different
I thought you wouldn't hurt me
But this hurt cuts deeply
and it can't be fixed with a sorry.

Your calls don't get answered....
Your joys won't be fully endured
You will torture your soul into sadness
for you have lost all happiness....
The day you betrayed me
The day the eyes saw selfish desires only
The day lust broke our friendship into two
Oh Jealousy, I hate you.

Only Hope

Time just passes you by when you're feeling a little upset and dismayed at what life brings to the front door. Instead of a lollipop I got spicy tomyam......not bad....still a favourite.....but just spicy and flustering not sweet and down-to-earth. There's something I found rather odd today.....people....you just gotta have your differences to make good friends.....you learn new things from different people....broaden your mind towards different viewpoints of matters with similarities.
Weird, you can't find someone identical to you......everyone is different....just like now....I'd probably bore my friends into sleepdom if I start talking about Philosophy and Politics and Poetry....my fave three P's and of course anyone can talk to anyone about the other P.....People. That seems to me to be a universal fave amongst anyone.....either talking about other people or themselves and their mundane lives.....because people only talk about themselves when their feeling down and disheartened.....nobody compliments themselves or say out loud that they are proud about their latest accomplishments(just another one of the unspoken laws of society).
Odd, rather odd.....I personally now belief that whatever happens it's for a reason....if God knows what he's doing and i believe he knows what he's doing than why complain? why prevent yourself from experiencing pleasure or pain? The rules of society must be obeyed....of course I agree.....but why do people create these barriers and boundaries? Life is too short I say.....be open and positive about everything....some people may hurt you....but that's because you think too much about their actions and contemplate alone in your room the 300 possibilities why that action took place and question their intentions.....but hey so what if they don't love you? so what if they hate you? that's their problem....go and question why....to them and not yourself.....confrontation and explanations is the key.......but hey....if I had enough patience....i'd just continue living my life as per normal forgive and forget.....many people are going to come into this life......they will try to inflict pain, happiness and the utmost horror.......but only to the extent that you allow it to.
Only you control your life, only you can follow your heart, only God can help you, only hope......

Subang

do they look within
the boy hiding in between
confused alone wondering
where did he go wrong...
do they smile and care
the child with ugly hair
all day he just stares
no one hears his song...
do they stroke and taste
the starved lips and face
he just fell from grace
walking all alone...
do they cheat and lie
his mind's sacrifice
the heart starts to cry
spirits rise and moan...
they don't care, don't love, don't wait, don't hug....like me
why do they get his love....
and not me?

One thing

Oh, i've been trying to let it go
Trying to keep my eyes closed
Trying to keep it just like before....
The times we never even thought to speak
Don't wanna tell you what it is
Oh 'we' it felt so serious.....got me thinking just too much
I wanna set it off, but.....
It's this one thing that's got me trippin
It's this one thing that's got me trippin
You did this one thing my soul may be feeling
It's this one thing you did oh oh
It's this one thing that caught me slippin
It's this one thing I want to admit it
This one thing and I was so with it
It's this one thing you did oh oh
Hey, we still don't know each other well
So what? I keep thinking to myself
Memories just keep ringing bells....
Hear voices I don't want to understand
My car keys are jingling in my hand
My high heels are clicking towards your door....but this one thing stopped me from knocking.

Double

well life's like that...you get some....you lose some....and some just never cross your path......that's what people do to you.....make you feel inane, worthless and stupid....yet at the same time those very same people can make you feel secure, confident and loved in an amazing way........that's something that people do......life's mysteries yet unsolved......why do they respond that way? why can people love and harm?
I saw a painting.....in it was a dark beauty, full of youth.....barefeet walking......the desert behind her...her lips dry, her hair dry, her eyes beautiful black coals shining with an extinguishing light.......yet she keeps on walking......there were thunderclouds behind her.......those clouds are something evil for her.....she may get struck by thunder.....but at the same time those same clouds may quench her thirst.........equivocalism....life's like that.....a two sided coin.

Happy

I can speak about the pain you know
What you say you didn't see
I can show you all my scars you know
The ones I keep inside of me
Would that make it easier
Or would it be the same
Sorry that I could not be
As perfect as you wanted me
Just wondering what's going on in your mind
I sure hope you're fine
I hope your conscience is clear
Hope you're happy....Hope you're smiling....

Confidence

bruise and battered by your words.....things have shattered now it hurts.......there seem to be many paths that I will have to tread to find out your intentions....the truth will always be hidden....your skeletons will be kept quietly.....I should be happy to know you dedicated 'four times a lady' by Craig David to me.....but why are my thoughts directing me to think that the song was not meant for me but for her. She is afterall your dream....

The failure of my heart....just decided not to pump any more blood anymore.....just love and life no more blood and anger......i give up.....the walls are closing me in and there doesn't seem to be any doors or windows to crawl out from.....just remain in this narrow,dank box......forever my bones will remain alone....until my confidence rises.

thanks someone.....for this.....
people can find the worst in themselves and the best in themselves......people can figure out the sadness and the happiness in their lives, to rise above themselves and feel hope that's the strength in people....if you stop hoping noura, you stop living.....so don't stop.

So thank you......for every last bruise you gave me, for everytime i sat in tears, for the million ways you hurt me.....i just wanna say thank you....jannar.... thanks for showing me that there is a life out there waiting for me.....until my confidence rises.

Lose

life is quite interesting when you think about it.....you know that they are hiding things from you......alot of shit underneath the surface.....I was born to try.....that, I know it's not hidden

and well....the ways that people display affection is quite interesting.....they find the stupidest reasons to call or message......they want to hang on longer to find out more.....to love someone is to want to be with that particular person at all times....talk about the person at all times and to dream about that person at all times.......to make up lame excuses and to be continually persistent until that particular person finds out that they are interested.

I used to think it was over
But its only just begun......
I used to feel like a loser
Now i'm having so much fun
I used to cry regularly
Preferred rain to the sun.....
I used to want your approval
Now I know i'm number one!

Seek the path of love and seek the path of patience....if he really did like her then,well, i went out with an asshole.....and if he didn't then,well......i went out with a loser......either way i loose.....

Love complicates

Love its always on way or the other....on side more emotions being spilled then the other....that is the unequality of the situation the unequivocal of sounds mixing into different colours. The imbalance of calculations of relationships.....either the girl or the guy would love each other more...its plain facts of history. A known fact!! After just recently recovering from a relationship where i was not the one being pampered but more of the pamperer and as a girl that totally destroyed me....literally destroyed my ego and every bit of respect i had for myself.....life is unfair and love is an unfair game to play. I put myself on his feet and let him take absolute control over me.....kindda questioning myself why i allowed him to do it?? Why did he have so much control over me?? How did i reduce myself to barely shreds as i gave myself away to him and let soul be opened to the world to view?? The pain that after all i did i wouldn't be the best girl in his books....emotionally it would be Cheri and physically it would be penelope cruz...What a boost to the ego.....he would never research on me how deep he researched about ahem and probably also how deep he researched anything that had to do with her.....hmmm....its like a driving force that encourages me to be someone stronger to me.........and don't ever let down your guards and barriers too early in any relationship....oh see that skin,its the same she's been standing in...since the day she saw him walk away...now she left cleaning up the mess he made....it always ends this way....women are too sentimental....all i wanted was a white knight.....but well love is a complicated thing

~baby hello!oh no!goodbye~

Makeup

well...today was a remarkably good day....so far....i personally do not believe that vanity is food for the worn out soul but well....today changed my perceptive 180 degrees. Not the full circle. What was about today that made it special? not much really....saw the same people.....ate at the same table...saw the same teachers.....but why was it a good day? so far....that is.
Well for the first time i decided from some heavy persuading that i would put on makeup in college and go around strutting myself.....hhehehee!! so that's exactly what i did!! and after putting on eyeliner and lip mosturizer i was ready to show my face to the world, wondering the responses.
I was hoping to meet this particular b-ball player from WMU who never not once glanced my way(mei mei said otherwise)......i was wondering if i had indeed changed.....if i was pretty.....if i was georgeous.....if i was beautiful.....nothing stopped me in my path for experimenting.....so i went.
Everyone i met except for closest pals...hmm.....well everyone i met complimented me on my looks......it was like i had changed into someone new or something....just with the help of a little makeup. Thank Gawd that they did....if not i would have thought i could never be pretty....but is that all it takes....just a dab of eyeliner and a little lipgloss?? A little effort to look good?? Is that all it takes for the compliments to come?? Then what is the meaning of beauty? Making an effort? What is the definition of beauty?
So there i was getting alot of looks from people who yesterday just gave me a passing glance, today.....well let's say it was more than a glance. My friend from class even tried to flirt with me!! AAAHHH!! It's not like i'm ugly....but this simple experiment showed me that its not how i looked that was attracting attention it was how i felt while i was looking like that. After gaining all the compliments the confidence soared!! I swear it was like high above the clouds.......hehhehe!! So what i decided to do was wipe of all the makeup and go back to my old self....not like i'm ugly or something.....just that i looked pale and tired.....Shob's words.....well I'm in pre-university course whattaya expect me to look??
And the cute b-ball player from WMU....i met him today......he smiled at me.....checked me out.....maybe she's born with it.....maybe its a little makeup to boost a little confidence!!Or just a little makeup!!
I was like that.....that girl you'd see and say wow...i finally understand why i feel so disillusioned after Jannar left me......it was because he never got to see the best of me...only the worst.

Mrs Hor i will do it....and i will make it!.....another compliment today!!! I would prove that you were right!!
Thanks to the Lord for allowing me to experience today.....feel like seeing.....nevermind.....