Only Hope

Time just passes you by when you're feeling a little upset and dismayed at what life brings to the front door. Instead of a lollipop I got spicy tomyam......not bad....still a favourite.....but just spicy and flustering not sweet and down-to-earth. There's something I found rather odd today.....people....you just gotta have your differences to make good friends.....you learn new things from different people....broaden your mind towards different viewpoints of matters with similarities.
Weird, you can't find someone identical to you......everyone is different....just like now....I'd probably bore my friends into sleepdom if I start talking about Philosophy and Politics and Poetry....my fave three P's and of course anyone can talk to anyone about the other P.....People. That seems to me to be a universal fave amongst anyone.....either talking about other people or themselves and their mundane lives.....because people only talk about themselves when their feeling down and disheartened.....nobody compliments themselves or say out loud that they are proud about their latest accomplishments(just another one of the unspoken laws of society).
Odd, rather odd.....I personally now belief that whatever happens it's for a reason....if God knows what he's doing and i believe he knows what he's doing than why complain? why prevent yourself from experiencing pleasure or pain? The rules of society must be obeyed....of course I agree.....but why do people create these barriers and boundaries? Life is too short I say.....be open and positive about everything....some people may hurt you....but that's because you think too much about their actions and contemplate alone in your room the 300 possibilities why that action took place and question their intentions.....but hey so what if they don't love you? so what if they hate you? that's their problem....go and question why....to them and not yourself.....confrontation and explanations is the key.......but hey....if I had enough patience....i'd just continue living my life as per normal forgive and forget.....many people are going to come into this life......they will try to inflict pain, happiness and the utmost horror.......but only to the extent that you allow it to.
Only you control your life, only you can follow your heart, only God can help you, only hope......

Subang

do they look within
the boy hiding in between
confused alone wondering
where did he go wrong...
do they smile and care
the child with ugly hair
all day he just stares
no one hears his song...
do they stroke and taste
the starved lips and face
he just fell from grace
walking all alone...
do they cheat and lie
his mind's sacrifice
the heart starts to cry
spirits rise and moan...
they don't care, don't love, don't wait, don't hug....like me
why do they get his love....
and not me?

One thing

Oh, i've been trying to let it go
Trying to keep my eyes closed
Trying to keep it just like before....
The times we never even thought to speak
Don't wanna tell you what it is
Oh 'we' it felt so serious.....got me thinking just too much
I wanna set it off, but.....
It's this one thing that's got me trippin
It's this one thing that's got me trippin
You did this one thing my soul may be feeling
It's this one thing you did oh oh
It's this one thing that caught me slippin
It's this one thing I want to admit it
This one thing and I was so with it
It's this one thing you did oh oh
Hey, we still don't know each other well
So what? I keep thinking to myself
Memories just keep ringing bells....
Hear voices I don't want to understand
My car keys are jingling in my hand
My high heels are clicking towards your door....but this one thing stopped me from knocking.

Double

well life's like that...you get some....you lose some....and some just never cross your path......that's what people do to you.....make you feel inane, worthless and stupid....yet at the same time those very same people can make you feel secure, confident and loved in an amazing way........that's something that people do......life's mysteries yet unsolved......why do they respond that way? why can people love and harm?
I saw a painting.....in it was a dark beauty, full of youth.....barefeet walking......the desert behind her...her lips dry, her hair dry, her eyes beautiful black coals shining with an extinguishing light.......yet she keeps on walking......there were thunderclouds behind her.......those clouds are something evil for her.....she may get struck by thunder.....but at the same time those same clouds may quench her thirst.........equivocalism....life's like that.....a two sided coin.

Happy

I can speak about the pain you know
What you say you didn't see
I can show you all my scars you know
The ones I keep inside of me
Would that make it easier
Or would it be the same
Sorry that I could not be
As perfect as you wanted me
Just wondering what's going on in your mind
I sure hope you're fine
I hope your conscience is clear
Hope you're happy....Hope you're smiling....

Confidence

bruise and battered by your words.....things have shattered now it hurts.......there seem to be many paths that I will have to tread to find out your intentions....the truth will always be hidden....your skeletons will be kept quietly.....I should be happy to know you dedicated 'four times a lady' by Craig David to me.....but why are my thoughts directing me to think that the song was not meant for me but for her. She is afterall your dream....

The failure of my heart....just decided not to pump any more blood anymore.....just love and life no more blood and anger......i give up.....the walls are closing me in and there doesn't seem to be any doors or windows to crawl out from.....just remain in this narrow,dank box......forever my bones will remain alone....until my confidence rises.

thanks someone.....for this.....
people can find the worst in themselves and the best in themselves......people can figure out the sadness and the happiness in their lives, to rise above themselves and feel hope that's the strength in people....if you stop hoping noura, you stop living.....so don't stop.

So thank you......for every last bruise you gave me, for everytime i sat in tears, for the million ways you hurt me.....i just wanna say thank you....jannar.... thanks for showing me that there is a life out there waiting for me.....until my confidence rises.

Lose

life is quite interesting when you think about it.....you know that they are hiding things from you......alot of shit underneath the surface.....I was born to try.....that, I know it's not hidden

and well....the ways that people display affection is quite interesting.....they find the stupidest reasons to call or message......they want to hang on longer to find out more.....to love someone is to want to be with that particular person at all times....talk about the person at all times and to dream about that person at all times.......to make up lame excuses and to be continually persistent until that particular person finds out that they are interested.

I used to think it was over
But its only just begun......
I used to feel like a loser
Now i'm having so much fun
I used to cry regularly
Preferred rain to the sun.....
I used to want your approval
Now I know i'm number one!

Seek the path of love and seek the path of patience....if he really did like her then,well, i went out with an asshole.....and if he didn't then,well......i went out with a loser......either way i loose.....

Love complicates

Love its always on way or the other....on side more emotions being spilled then the other....that is the unequality of the situation the unequivocal of sounds mixing into different colours. The imbalance of calculations of relationships.....either the girl or the guy would love each other more...its plain facts of history. A known fact!! After just recently recovering from a relationship where i was not the one being pampered but more of the pamperer and as a girl that totally destroyed me....literally destroyed my ego and every bit of respect i had for myself.....life is unfair and love is an unfair game to play. I put myself on his feet and let him take absolute control over me.....kindda questioning myself why i allowed him to do it?? Why did he have so much control over me?? How did i reduce myself to barely shreds as i gave myself away to him and let soul be opened to the world to view?? The pain that after all i did i wouldn't be the best girl in his books....emotionally it would be Cheri and physically it would be penelope cruz...What a boost to the ego.....he would never research on me how deep he researched about ahem and probably also how deep he researched anything that had to do with her.....hmmm....its like a driving force that encourages me to be someone stronger to me.........and don't ever let down your guards and barriers too early in any relationship....oh see that skin,its the same she's been standing in...since the day she saw him walk away...now she left cleaning up the mess he made....it always ends this way....women are too sentimental....all i wanted was a white knight.....but well love is a complicated thing

~baby hello!oh no!goodbye~

Makeup

well...today was a remarkably good day....so far....i personally do not believe that vanity is food for the worn out soul but well....today changed my perceptive 180 degrees. Not the full circle. What was about today that made it special? not much really....saw the same people.....ate at the same table...saw the same teachers.....but why was it a good day? so far....that is.
Well for the first time i decided from some heavy persuading that i would put on makeup in college and go around strutting myself.....hhehehee!! so that's exactly what i did!! and after putting on eyeliner and lip mosturizer i was ready to show my face to the world, wondering the responses.
I was hoping to meet this particular b-ball player from WMU who never not once glanced my way(mei mei said otherwise)......i was wondering if i had indeed changed.....if i was pretty.....if i was georgeous.....if i was beautiful.....nothing stopped me in my path for experimenting.....so i went.
Everyone i met except for closest pals...hmm.....well everyone i met complimented me on my looks......it was like i had changed into someone new or something....just with the help of a little makeup. Thank Gawd that they did....if not i would have thought i could never be pretty....but is that all it takes....just a dab of eyeliner and a little lipgloss?? A little effort to look good?? Is that all it takes for the compliments to come?? Then what is the meaning of beauty? Making an effort? What is the definition of beauty?
So there i was getting alot of looks from people who yesterday just gave me a passing glance, today.....well let's say it was more than a glance. My friend from class even tried to flirt with me!! AAAHHH!! It's not like i'm ugly....but this simple experiment showed me that its not how i looked that was attracting attention it was how i felt while i was looking like that. After gaining all the compliments the confidence soared!! I swear it was like high above the clouds.......hehhehe!! So what i decided to do was wipe of all the makeup and go back to my old self....not like i'm ugly or something.....just that i looked pale and tired.....Shob's words.....well I'm in pre-university course whattaya expect me to look??
And the cute b-ball player from WMU....i met him today......he smiled at me.....checked me out.....maybe she's born with it.....maybe its a little makeup to boost a little confidence!!Or just a little makeup!!
I was like that.....that girl you'd see and say wow...i finally understand why i feel so disillusioned after Jannar left me......it was because he never got to see the best of me...only the worst.

Mrs Hor i will do it....and i will make it!.....another compliment today!!! I would prove that you were right!!
Thanks to the Lord for allowing me to experience today.....feel like seeing.....nevermind.....

Incomplete

incomplete-the hollowness of the heart, atleast i gained the affections of a love that even time cannot fade....what i need now is a list of accomplishments and i WILL goet that list okay?? i will be the first singaporean to dance under the moonlight at a unknown island i which of course would be owned by me.....i'll have an inn by the sea where all the monkeys and the donkey and the cats can come visit moi! with loads and loads of mnm's on the roofs and mars bars and swiss chocolate lining my fridge which is purely ice i don't believe in electronics.....but i'm using a computer.....im a contradictory FREAK!!! well i HATE HATE HATE smoking...so on my island there will be no one smoking....heheheh!! big dreams huh? well without dreams and a goal where would anyone be in life but a drifter....hmmm....not a bad thing to be i'm guessing. incomplete why issit that's just how i'm feeling today??

Manipulate

never comprehending the mysterious workings of a complicated mind....blind from the glares of popularity and never ending shrieks. fixtures on a bare lightbulb lights my head up....dizziness controlling the anger inside. Spinning with my arm open.....the stiches haven't healed yet....i saw a man with 50 stiches across his chest and i asked him what operation did he do? he said he had a tear on his heart and replaced it with a new one....i got extremely jealous of him for his scars can be seen, unlike mine.
Dolls moving in unison working in the dark abyss of reality tv shows and Raj still hasn't got a girl yet!! :) well guess he's waiting for his first blue pathetic day.
Your curious....you keep on guessing.....yet the emancipation of the facts still i can't understand.
the times when comparisons are meaningless and times when love is even more meaningless.
Patience time will tell.....you will always be my only one....my only one.
Relationships are meant to be broken...what if they are meant to be lost....lost far away drifting through the sands of time....passing faces and trees....i like to count the number of colours each car would have.....each car has a rainbow of colours....why issit some only seem black and yet are full of colours? i found out something today....life is beautiful only if you want it to be. people believe only what they want to believe.....ignorance is bliss

Moon

i learnt something yesterday something that my daddy told me....he watched this show and well this young boy wanted to now about life and asked his kungfu master. teacher what is life??......the teacher replied," life,is like a corridor and the last door is death" then the young boy asked again then what happens after death? the teacher again replies"throw this stone into the murky pond". the boy obeyed and threw the stone into the pond and with a splash it dissapears ,then the teacher said...."now tell me what happened to the stone?", think now what happened to the stone........i know i did......................then the young boy said....the stone is in fresh waters.

the fascination with death has always been a controversial issue....different religions and different races.....their opinions and views coinciding with one another....hmmm....the moon was a full circle and it shone yellow light unto the world....i remembered an experience which was never brought up since i left Australia....

i was at islamic camp in Australia and there was this night where me hanifah,yasmin and sumayyah(i think) were told to navigate our way through the rough Australian Outback....no torches and no lights.....just forests and forests and a compass with no light, except for the moonlight. i remembered walking past a graveyard and the whole graveyard was bathed in moonlight....although most of the girls found it eerie...i know Hanifah was screaming, i thought it was amazingly pretty. A Pretty sight....weird right? but the moon looked its best that night....until i saw the moon last night......i learnt something.....hmmm.....still learning

Ja6na

he's so full of drama tactics...a great friend indeed..helped me countless of times..always at home when i turun sunway..eventhough you made me wait for nearly 2 hrs when u went to Bsar for bfast..whats wrong with our new cafeteria la...not romantic enough with all the new mood setting lights and decor..he wont admit it ..but he really is a Drama king..sneaky and always manipulating ppl or situations in his favour..list goes long..cool guy to go clubbing , golf with..always on the look out for girls eventhough he is going out with someone i think..gonna enrol in flying school soon.that's all.....vignesh kindda sum up in these words exactly what i have been feeling....well....he was out for fun and nothing more than that and i was too stupid to realise that. somedays there are times in between having friends taunt me and listening to Mr Lawrence attack malaysia and hating the world at large......i feel there is this emptiness inside me. this ache that deepens with time, a drift from the people that grow around me. it's weird that life takes people into different doors...some in to Canada, some to New York, some to Langkawi, some to Singapore and some to Perth.....everywhere they disperse like the autumn leaves rustling in the wind. I hope the winds stop blowing and life stays the same.....ja6na is gone...Shab is gone....Saiks is gone...soon i'm going. well somehow i feel that life should be lived with no regrets but i do regret going out with him....i rehelly do....i think he made me feel that i was inferior to everyone around me......but i am not.....maybe i was because i went out with him...but now since its over i know that i am not inferior to anyone....if i was i wouldn't have any friends cause i wouldn't get any respect or care from anyone. But i do.....and i do regret going out with that manipulative bastard....and i wasn't used to get anybody, he really did love me, but i wasn't ready for a relationship that fast and well...i think i idolized him too much that it got into his head.....hmmm.....well live life without regrets....love life with all its tests.....missing you hurting inside....

Great Mockingbird

What have I done?
What if it's too late now?
Did I do all I could, did I?
Did I make it good, did I?
Somehow it doesn't feel right
Is it really all over?
Did I think it through, did I?
What if all I want is you?

[chorus]
And now,
I won't see you again
The moment was there but we lost it
Time changed it all
And we let it
We let it happen
And nowI wonder how it would be
If things stayed the same and we liked it
The end of a search 'cos we found it
How would it be?How would it be?How would it be?How would it be?

What have we done?
What if it's too late now?
Was it always like this, was it?
Was it something we missed, was it?
Somehow it doesn't feel right
Is it really all over?
Was it all it could be, was it?
Did I give you the best of me?

[chorus]x2 till end

leave my mind

Now I really cannot see,
If you were good for me at all
I wanna say, that everything’s fine,
But it’s not… but it’s not
All the times you made me stay,
I see it all so clear today
And I wish I could Turn back time… turn back time
If I had a choice
I’d leave all behind
If I had a choice
I’d make you leave my mind
Leave my mind
The things you had me do
Everytime you knew I would
I wanna say, that I was aware
But I can’t… but I can’t
All you tried to take away
I see it all so clear today
And I feel like a fool
I let myself down… let myself down
And you begged me to trust you
I wish I never did
And you begged me to trust you
I wish I never did
If I had a choice I’d leave all behind
If I had a choice I’d make you leave my mind
Leave my mind

hakuna matata

ok well i promise never to lie anymore so finish all the work beforehand....and also i promise to give a piggyback ride to the sweet tooth fairy. gosh its a long road today and sneak will find out about the hawaiian trip and well.....who the toot cares about sneaks emotions. i sure don't lar....anyways...i love the world i live on and i love GOD.....and i need to ask Him a favour....please i know you are listening.....i need help to enjoy myself tonight and still have time to finish my work....i have a lot of work to do so please help me please help me....please help me......ok? please.......

Sweets

there was a sweet it was a hard-boiled sweet
the shopkeeper wrapped it up
in a nice plastic colourful wrapper
the shopkeeper put the sweet on display
a child passed by and wanted the colours
the colourful wrapper was all she could think about
night and day the colourful wrapper
nobody bought the sweet and it grew bitter
moss grew around it and it turned sour
the plastic wrapper clung, shrivelling wilting into the sweet
the colour fades off...
the girl became a lady and that lady passed by that same shop
she remembered the sweet she wanted so much
the shop was abandoned, no one inside
a sign at the door stated it was for sale
in the midst of the thick dust in the display stand
she spotted a lightly colured plastic
she saw the same streaks and patterns she dreamt about
smashing the glass with a pebble
the lady retrieved the sweet
once proud and once shiny....now almost dead
but the lady took the sweet and kept it within a dainty pouch
in rememberance of her life.

Get Over It

hanya memuji....hanya hendak dipuji.....hanya membawa harapan dengan tanganku yang luka ini...saya hanya hendak mata kamu melihat saya.....melihat satu kali pun boleh....

You told me on the day that you left me to take real good care of myself.
But it's so hard to do if I can't have you here to hold me when I want nobody else
When Am I Gonna Get Over You
And stop living in the past?
When Am I Gonna Get Over You?
I hope this pain won't last.....
Soon you'll wake me and you'll say I've been dreaming
I'll just have to wait til then.
Until my time here is done then I'll be with you again.
Someday, I may love again but you'll be with me even then.
When Am I Gonna Get Over You....
And stop living in the past?
When Am I Gonna Get Over You?
.You told me on the day that you left me.....that's exactly what i'm forced to do.

Don't tell me...

Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know,

Don't tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed,

That I am chosen for this task, apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers that can only come from me,

Don't tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment of the bonds I must untie,

Don't tell me how to suffer, don't tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see,

But I need you, I need your love, unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share,

Just hold my hand and let me cry, and say,

"My friend, I really do care."

to everyone that has been there for me....i love you but please don't tell me...

Ding Dong

vicky is going down down down!!! ok that's it.....vicky is an arse....vicky is a jerk and most importantly vicky has dongs the size of peanuts and and he just loves having chocolate ice-cream for breakfast and his own made peanut dongs for lunch and for dinner he has his BEstesT BESt BuddieS dongs which in fact are made of dark chocolate......and this 'BUDDY' of his is the king of sneaks...a manipulative Arsehole and a Bigger Jerk head than vicky will ever be(he really has a bigger head).....ok never hated anybodies sooooo much in my LIFE!!!! oh wait yar.....then tttttt......will go and have dinner with vicky....and they have wild passionate....fights together you know like the hens....fighting for each others dongs and the arsehole's dongs and they start eating after that...the dongs...hehehhehehe!! ok i'm getting sick now.....we shall bestow upon these three people the bastards of the world titles.....i think it will suit them...or.......the three bastard-teers....the three bastard-peers!!! hehehhehee!!! funny lar.....okay

P.s. then in the next morning the three Bastard-peers have breakfast biting and eating each others dongs....sickos....read on....



dongs are in fact cookies!!! peanut butter cookies and dark chocolate cookies!!! but i did mean the other parts....hehhehehe!!! and also for the people who are a bit blur Bastard-peers are in exchange for musketeers, y'know the three musketeers??

~vicky is going down,down,down~ ( this has such a sweetness to it...)